I have not felt much like writing lately. Some say it is due to some health issues I have been experiencing, but I think it is more than that. I feel, rather, that God has put me on pause. As I sit and watch the falling leaves hit the ground through the picture window in my living room, mindlessly following one floating leaf after the other, I find that I am questioning everything that I once thought that I knew. Not in a desperate way, but rather in a way that is freeing, and beckoning me to let it go, just let it drift and hit the ground.
I am thankful for the constants that bless my life, things like; the knowledge that there is a God, and that He knows me by name. The love of a good man and the children that we share, that have made my life so much more than I could have dreamed it could be. Extended family that, have given my heart a place to take root, and a sense of belonging. The soft place of friends that, are ALWAYS there, eager to carry me when things get a little rough. However, the rest, I just do not know, and as I sit and ponder, I realize that with each passing day, I am becoming more and more okay with not knowing, more okay with not making others wrong, or the need for me to be right. I feel more content to, not have to conquer the world, but rather just “be” okay with the accomplishments I have made, and the lessons that they have taught me, about me. Allowing myself the freedom to forgive myself for the areas in which I have failed and becoming more interested in knowing, discovering, who I am in God’s eyes, and finding out who he created me to be, and how to best use the life and talent he has given me.
I recall a conversation with my Grandpa Teal, years ago, when I was just so frustrated with life, love, and lessons I did not want to learn…. I recall him listening intently, and when my rant was all over, or at least at a breathing point, he said, “Rene, don’t sweat the small stuff.” At the time I did not get it, I was even a little annoyed with the words. Did he not know that NONE of it was small to me? Yet today, with a little time, a little age, and a lot of life … I get it.
What he was trying to tell me was that no matter what is going on inside me; God has me. No matter what is going on around me, God has me. No matter what is wrong that I cannot fix, God has that too. I understand that he was not saying that it was small, as in insignificant, he was telling me that in comparison to a BIG God who knows me by name, it is all small stuff.
If my life’s experiences have brought me any blessings, (and it has in abundance), the biggest is that I have never doubted that there is a God, and for me, that has been my personal North.
Perhaps there is nothing like a little diagnosis, a speed bump in life, to get you to see what is important and what is not. I am so grateful for the oral heritage I have through amazing God-fearing grandparents, who in all their wisdom, planted seeds in my life, and through praying over me, every single day, kept those seeds watered. Seeds that germinated for 25 years, taking strong root, and then break ground just when I needed it most. Sprouting the truth that “When you serve a big God…. It is all small stuff.” Thanks grandpa.
I know that my desire to write will return, as I feel, that is who I am, what I was created to do. However, I will not rush this “pause,” as I know the work he is doing in me, and I bask in the knowledge that, “he has me.”