At The Edge of Glory

IMG_7407I love that moment when what seemed impossible, all the sudden is made possible. There is something so surprising about it every time. I cannot decide whether it is my lack of faith, that make me feel ,when these moments strike, feel like a little girl at Christmas – or maybe it is the anticipation – knowing that God never leads me somewhere that there isn’t a plan and a purpose.

I often wonder why specific things happen with me. Why God will set me on a path that seems to have no direction charted out. This recent back road adventure of the spirit has been like that. It has felt like I was meandering towards a cliff, but the inner whispers told me to stay on course. When “all of the sudden” it seems God reached down and opened a path I hadn’t even seen, or knew existed.

It is easy for me, being the ADD type, to forget that our wandering, often times has purpose.

I was reminded of that fact when out of my own desperate heart, I picked up my bible and re-read the story of Exodus.

I could see my own journey in the story, I had many of the same emotions and confusions that I saw on those pages, I was just like the Israelite in Exodus, in every way – yet, from this perspective I could see that their wandering was a way to keep their enemy off guard, their wandering had their enemies thinking that they were trapped, so they put their guard down and got a little cocky, slowing down their aggressive pursuit of the Israelite.

This passage made me sit a spell and wonder what purpose my wandering had?

It was easy for me to want to jump ahead in my story, eager for the moment of elation when the Seas part and everything becomes clear, the inner clapping can begin..I have known this story since my childhood….tears run down your face, it’s an amazing example of God being “for us”….

Yet, I am compelled to slow down… not to jump ahead. Because like the Israelite I had been feeling fearful, feeling boxed in… frustrated because I felt I have been following God’s direction, yet all I saw was endless obstacles around me.

As I read, I couldn’t help but to consider perhaps the lesson isn’t just that God will make a way, as he always does. Perhaps the lesson too is the reminder that is found in a very small verse of Exodus 14:14 “The Lord will fight for you while you keep silent.

I forget sometimes that I am not in this life….alone. It is one of my biggest battles. Even if not one living soul on earth loved me, which is totally not my story… I know that as a child of God I would still not be alone. Yet, by nature, I am a loner….while I can weave in and out of people, and activities, I gain my energy and renew my spirit in my alone time…and I have noticed that is in those moments – for us that need quiet moments to refuel, or for those of my friends that need others to refuel – it is in those moments that we often are the most vulnerable, and we need to remind ourselves to guard our hearts. While there is a huge difference in being a loner, and being lonely (which I rarely am), I joke that I have way to many personalities to ever be lonely…. I still often times need to remind myself that I do have a GOD that fights FOR ME, and these times of wandering have purpose even if for no other reason that to remind me that HE is there.

I have been reminded lately how much I really love ‘cowgirlin’, riding the open plains, sitting in the saddle and experiencing God in that way.

I am a “Cowgirl Interrupted” I have proclaimed. I have come to consider that  my recent struggle with health issues is another way that God has used to get me to prioritize my life… As I sat on the sofa endless hours recovering from surgery, I felt compelled to ask myself, “Who am I?” What Matters the most to you? What things do you need to let go of and what things do you need to grab a hold of in a new way?

I know I was created with purpose and that has always been a strong conviction of mine. Saved for a reason, tested for a season, and perfectly molded for a purpose that is uniquely mine. Yet there have been times when I have felt like I was wandering, and I wondered if I had lost my way, asking myself; am I suppose to go forward?, go back?, sit a spell?, but just when panic starts to set, just as He did with the Israelite, God reveals that here I am.. on the edge of Glory. And in that moment, all those spirit whispers finally make sense. The lessons are in the journey.

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