I have thought a lot lately about Luke 22:42 “Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.” And, if I were completely honest, and why shouldn’t I be, I would have to say I have repeated the first part of that verse more than the second, and I am ashamed of that.Yet, I believe it is a commonness we all share. It takes more commitment to speak the second part of that verse and mean it.
I have had things that I didn’t want to have to experience. We all have. Losing those we love through death or choice. Suffering. Heartache. Health. Laying down of dreams. The sandblasting of those rough edges. Having to eat crow. Swallow your pride. Stay. Leave. Stand by while those you love hurt, or worse walk away. Send your love ones off to war. Off to a hurtful world. The list seems endless.
I hate the senselessness of it all. I despise the gut wrenching tug of war before the surrender. The finding of the new normal. A normal you would not have chosen, but one that you are left to begin anyway.
While this thing is a experience shared, we all know that it is not an shared experience. We can let others walk along side us, and we should, but we cannot really let them walk it FOR us. Somehow we have to get to the point… where we hear our heart say… surrender to.. “not my will but yours,” whether in your mind you are surrendering to God or just to what is……
It is in these moments that I cherish my ability to write the most. I am not like some that can just sit with their emotions and know exactly where to put them if not down on paper. Matter of fact, I am often shocked when someone tells me that have read my blog as a readership isn’t the reason for the blog. I started it, when I was a speaker for women’s events, and found out that the things I felt isolated me, were actually things that kept so many isolated.. Giving our emotions and thoughts.. light.. seems to somehow make them easier to cope with.
Today is a doozy for sure… just one of those days when I wake up and for whatever the reason , I stop running for just a moment and try to deal with the plethora of things I have been trying to avoid that wont go away just because I don’t want to deal with them. Serious things like; a friend who is dealing with a murder/suicide of his friend, people I love in a battle I hate called cancer, my bio dad dying of it, the miles between me and those I love.
There are things we can change, and things we can not. There are battles to fight and ones that are better left un-fought. each of them comes with those moments where we have to stop if only for a moment and be willing to be still and lay them down in a sweet surrender.. and finish the verse… “Not my will, but yours be done.” These are my thoughts.
A Cowgirl Called 