Time to Ponder….


There are times, plenty it seems, where I have felt stuck and I can’t seem to find my way out of my current rut in which I find myself, I hate the feeling. I have enough clarity to see the path I want to be on, thinking that it is where I “should be,” but I cannot seem to get there.

I am a writer. I am happiest writing. Yet, I am choosy about what it is that I want to write about. I have had plenty of offers to write, but….. I don’t want to write for the sake of writing. I write from emotion, so sometimes I don’t feel overly compelled to write, especially about those things I don’t care much about….Usually, there has to be something that has moved me enough, that the act of writing is not one of choice, but rather one of necessity.

I am as “free-spirited” in my writing as I am in most other areas of my life, and at 51 years of age, I find myself wondering, pondering, if that is a good thing, or just a lack of discipline.

I have met others who are profoundly gifted…. whether it be in their ability to play a sport, or craft, or…. and I have noticed that there is a subtle… or maybe not so subtle, difference between those that make their dreams a reality, and those that don’t, even if their gifting (s) are the same. Of course, that is the amount of time they put into to perfecting themselves.

Gifts are a funny thing….. Often times, it is easy to relay on your natural abilities and not put much into the act of nurturing the gift….. a concept that if I am honest, one that I am just now coming to grips with….

I am nowhere where I thought I would be at this stage of my life. I thought I would be published…. or working for a magazine, or even developing a magazine of my own… or building a community of like minded people… or……. Instead… I ponder.

I have thought a lot about a line in one of my favorite movies, “Hope Floats” where the character played by Sandra Bullock says, “You know, I always thought I was gonna be, I don’t know, special. But I’m not. I’m just… I’m just an ordinary person. And that’s OK.”

I wonder if it is a common experience to think we were all created for brilliance. Maybe it is a part of the naivety of youth. But, there was a time I believed it. I felt it, or at least I thought I did. But, maybe it was just what I needed to tell myself to get over some of those things that left me feeling battered and beaten down…

Don’t get me wrong… I am not self-loathing… I can look back on my life and see all the opportunities that I have had… all the things I have experienced, and been blessed with and by … I get it… All I am saying is that , there are things I still wonder about…

Have I hit my stride or is there still more out there? Those things I dream of that I am afraid to say out loud.. are there still viable dreams or are they things that were never really meant to be lived out?

I can still feel the dream beating deep inside. I know how it looks, feels, smells, and sounds… I can close my eyes and and breath it in. And, then I open my eyes and run smack into the road blocks that have keep me blocked for years.

Is it a matter of timing, or something that I need to keep pushing up against until I break it down? I don’t know….. I can see the dream… even with my eyes wide open and I realize that just because I cannot find the cross road right now, doesn’t mean that one isn’t approaching.

But in the meantime, I guess I have just I have time to ponder.

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