It’s My Party, I’ll Be Me.

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Fifty-Two. Really? I can still recall the days of my youth when, I couldn’t imagine ever getting this “old.” Yet, it seems like I simply blinked and as my eyes re-opened, the kids were gone, now adults bringing home wives and babes, and huge lives that I could never have dreamed for them.

I can still hear the little girl I was, filled with fear, defiance, and hope. Today, I am thankful for all those aspects of who she was, as she got me to this moment in time. Even I, look back and wonder where that little girl found the courage or the faith to go on. Unbelievably grateful that she did.

I, even tonight, think back on her critics, those who felt she was a force to reckon with, and saw that as a negative.. they simply had no idea, it was that quality that propelled her out of the life she had been given and into the life she wanted.

I can now honor her, she is no longer the driver; driven by pain and lack and victimization, fueled by the loss of life and love, but rather sits comfortably as a passenger in a life driven my her adult version. The little girl is quieted by all the amazing things life is.

At 52 the “older” version understands so much more and is more willing to let go sooner, forgive faster – understanding that forgiveness is not about forgetting, but rather about placing the outcome into the hands of God almighty to let it play out in his care. No longer looking for the validation of others, but peaceful, in the knowledge, that her opinion matters and carries as much weight and any of those who might want to criticize.

The fifties have been interesting for me….  fifty was the year of Independence…. Amazing road trips and exploration in self discovery, rediscovering me. Finding solace in my own company and learning to say no to the crowds and learning to special friendships that have proven the test of time. Fifty-One – The Year of the Horse – So many, many lesson from the pen….. Recapturing the Wildness of me….. Pushing myself past the levels of comfort, letting my spirit soar in ways that I would need to heal myself both physically and spiritually. Not only running with the wild horses; both figuratively but in reality – appreciating that being “broken” isn’t the answer for either horse or human – but finding the importance of partnering with equally skilled equals. Understanding that the more skilled I am,  the better I am equipped to handle others both animal and human, and learning that walking away from either isn’t failure, but can be wisdom.

Now here I am, at the threshold of my 52nd year…. I wonder what will define it at the end of it… ? I know that I will do more traveling…. I know I will continue my cowgirl quest….. but, I also feel that there is something just waiting to be birthed. Something I have yet to identify, but I see it peeking around the corner, just waiting for 52 year to ring in….

To all of my friends and loved ones who continue to be my wings…. continue to celebrate me and cheer me on. Those that can embrace all of who I am… the wild, the adventurer, the independent me, even when you are not physically here with me, I hear your sweet voices, your words of encouragements, your laughter, and your timely advice. I carry it with me, everywhere, everyday, thank you for the freedom to be me and thank you for not judging me to harshly. Thank you for allowing me to “spin in my field” and knowing that it is just who I am, and that when I stop spinning I will be available once again… ( I know this probably only makes sense to those of you who are spinners too…)

I enter this new year with a lot of questions. A lot of surprises,  waiting to be unwrapped. While I do not know all of what it will be… I do know this.. It’s my party and I will BE me…

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