This is my journal entries from day one to-day three –
I woke with a sense of anticipation. With full resolve to keep to my quest. With both the book and the movie “WILD” fresh on my mind, I too set out to map my trail and start the process of purchasing the things I would need, thankful that my son Cole works in a fitness shoe store, as I wouldn’t have a clue which walking shoes to get. I set my phone with a pedometer app, and finished reading Body Ecology – as I start down this path of healing not only my body, but my life in general. Gone is the coffee and in its place hot lemon water, placed my order for culture starters, read Matthew 1-4 . Day one has begun….
I am aware that the journey I am about to embark on, is not only one of health, but also one of the Spirit. I am keenly aware that they are inner twined. I feel blocked. Spiritually, professionally, and it is showing up in my health. Although it may look like the opposite is true. In my heart I know the truth. I have thought over and over again about the line in the book and in the movie where Cheryl’s ex-husband says, “I am sorry that you have to walk 1200 miles, to……….” and she taunts back… “to what? say it…”……. I get that…. I see the look on my hubby’s face. I know that he wonders why I have the need to make life more complicated then he likes for it to be. It is the wanderer part of me, I get that. I am always looking for the meaning of things… desiring to go deeper spiritually. To answer the question, what am I here for? and am I living up to my potential. Currently the answer comes back to no… but, I don’t know the next step either… so… I walk. today is Sunday Dec 28 – I decided that as part of my journey I would read through the New Testament again. Today I read Matthew 4 – I love that it is the passage of Jesus going into the wilderness and fasting… I love the idea that He is out there with me… or vice versa… He too, felt the desire to go away from the crowds and the noises and refocus. He fasted too. Giving his body a break too… They are inner connected the soul, mind and body. I am convinced that you cannot have health in one.. without finding health in all. Day Two.
Its 1:00 A.M. on day three and I cannot sleep AGAIN.. It is one of those things, that I pray works its way out quickly, as I mend. I am exhausted….But rest never seems to come. Restless legs show up and my mind wont shut down. It isn’t that there is necessarily anything to think about, it just seems to wander about, as if it too isn’t exhausted. I am keenly aware that it has been years of none sleep that has gotten me here…. and I long for a deep peaceful rest. As I read my passages for today, I am reading the beatitudes. “love your enemy. For if you only love those who love you, what is your reward?” Ugh, is my first reaction. Then as in a futile attempt to ignore this, I tell myself that I don’t really have enemies… knowing full well, that the enemy in this context isn’t anything more than someone you have angst with… and I know there are those.
In this moment, I can see myself as Cheryl, in the hotel trying to strap the pack on her back – it seems like to big a task. I feel the same struggle that she had…. telling myself for the first time, “you can quit when ever you want to.” But, I know, just like she knew, that the only way to get this done, was to walk through it. So I read it again… Blessed are the Merciful for they shall be shown mercy. …. I let my eyes rest on the beginning of the chapter – Where Jesus, after seeing the crowds form take the disciples up to the mountain and begins to teach them these truths, and I remind myself that I need to be willing to be taught. Day Three has begun.. and I find myself wondering if I can do this.. yet I know deep down there is no other way to get back to me.. So I press on. Hello Day Three.