There are days when I feel like giving up even before I truly get started. I dont think that I am alone, but it feels lonely. I woke up this morning feeling fairly optimistic as I had plans to spend the morning with one of my boys. We were going to go look at something that would play a roll in helping him full fill his dreams. I anticipated a great day. And, my time with him was just that. But somewhere in my day, it took a turn.
Have you ever been confronted with something that takes you right back to the anger and sadness that you have been working so diligently to get past. Heard that someone you once thought was a friend was talking untruths just to make them look and feel better about who they choose to be? About their role in things.. smudging your reputation to hope to bolster theirs?
I never really know where to go with such dishonesty. With such lack of integrity. It hurts. Not because I worry about what people will think. Those who know me, know that is it is lie, otherwise why come to me to share that it is out there? It is enough to make me… well, feel like pulling the bedding back up over me and wish the day away….. or eat the fridge empty….
There is a scene in WILD that I was reminded of today…. When Cheryl was already out on the trail she brought the wrong kind of propane for her stove and spent days eating cold oats…. at a low point she ran into a farmer who was out in a field and he took her home for a hot meal and later to the local farm supply to find the right stuff… While they were in the truck driving back to his farm house, the farmer asked if she ever wanted to quit. She said, “just about every other minute.” The farmer went on to say that things had quit him in his life, and here is the part that rang out to me today, the farmer says, “I never had a time in my life where there was a crossroad in my life.”
I think he is wrong. I think we all have those crossroads in our lives, and if we look close enough, we have them in a million different ways daily…. we get to choose to go left…. and take the high road or right and play in the mud. We can choose to be hurt, or offended, or victimized, or we can shake it off and remind ourselves that others can choose to be who they are going to be, and our job is to continue to be who we are, knowing full well it doesn’t take long for the truth to find its way to to the top without any assistance from me.
I have thought a lot about that scene with the farmer… from his life, things just always happened to him… he never made the effort to examine why…. instead got comfortable being the victim and blaming everything and everyone that he encountered.
I recalled also two sayings that have been life changing for me on my journey… 1) Every where you go, there you are. 2). Not everything that happens happens TO you, sometimes they happen FOR you.
These moments, I use to hide or come out fighting….. but, today I am finding thanks that it was another day where God allowed me to try and learn more about who I want to be, and who I want to be in my world. So, I just decided, some days there are days…….