2015 started off with a bang.
Not literally of course, but it came in with plan and purpose. Little has changed but then again, everything has changed. I have spent the last two weeks mostly, in prayer over a friend that has been in health crisis. One that has taken him, and us all in less degree, to the edge of our own existence and back again, more than once. On top of that, I attended a class, taught by friend and life coach Paulette – One that has had me really rethinking my life in general. My goals, my desires, my calling. One top of it all… is this lingering health issue. I am determined to figure it out, but trust me, I have had moments where I wish someone would just grab me by the hand and tell me to do “this” and all would be well.
By nature, I am one of those people that tend to over-think things, always looking for the deeper meaning. The hidden lessons. The pearl hidden deep down that I am suppose to find in the experience. Some of the lessons are obvious. WAY obvious. Others, less so, and still others… hidden deep down and takes more work that I have the energy to unfold. Yet, I know that if I do not, the lessons will return, and it haunts me.
With only five weeks of the new year behind me, I can honestly say, I didn’t see any of it coming. I didn’t see Rod in the hospital fighting for wellness. I didn’t see my own health dip down again. I didn’t see four books shaking me up and causing me to rethink all that I am and know, and really spending time learning how to get out of my own way.
And I certainly didn’t know it would be so hard to practice the exercise of being “present.” I am a day dreamer for sure. I spend a lot of time in the “what if’s” and in some far away place that is “easier” to be in. And, I spend way to much time avoiding the things in the present. Or, should I say, I did. Becoming present isn’t for sissies.. I think that is why few chose to live here.
I am having to learn that in the present; where life happens…. where real problems dwell… where hurt and pain exist, I have to learn to just “be” with it all. I don’t have to fix anything, or heal anyone, or even save anyone from themselves or others. I can just be. I can just love, and listen, and pray. It isn’t mine to fix.
I am busy walking, (thanks to Cheyl Strayed and her book Wild) finding and refining my words on who I want to “feel” according to Desire Mapping with Danielle LaPorta, trying to make the 4 agreements the core of who I am . Agreement 1 – “be impeccable with your word. 2. Don’t take anything personal 3.don’t make assumptions 4. Always do your best.
And re-reading the bible cover to cover. To remind myself of the strand of Covenant that runs from beginning to end.
My prayer going into the new year was that God would use me, in a big way. Apparently there was a little cleaning he needed to do in this vessel, in order to be usable in the way I want to be.
So I walk, read, pray, and meditate.. not allowing myself to day dream my day away, but rather be present in hearing my own breath, listening to my own body, internally correcting the things I say to myself about self and others, and being brave enough to feel.
I have decided that if January is any indication of what the rest of the year is going to be like.. I cannot wait. I view it like this, if God is throwing this much at me, to better prepare me for what HE has for me, I know that the good is just around the corner.
“For I know the plans I have for you sayth the Lord.. Plans to prosper and not to harm.” Jerm. 29:11