There are days like today, that I am uncertain what to do with myself.
Not that there isn’t a million things on my to-do list; important things. But, my mind is like a pinball machine, jumping from one memory to another. It is a sense of lost-ness. That awkward dance between space and time, where everything seems out of rhythm, as if the universe itself is a witness that a perfect soul has left us, and there is an empty space that takes my breath away.
A friend had to say goodbye to his dad today, sitting by his bedside witnessing him being ushered into heaven. Fighting the inner conflict of knowing that he is now in a better place, free of those things that cripple us here on earth. Yet, heartbroken, and holding the heartbroken others.
There was a time in my life that I could not have imagined myself, not being part of this family. But, as fate would have it, I quickly fell into the line of “others.” I am not complaining really, life has a way of working itself out. And, I have had the honor of their friendship over the passage of time, making my life richer in so many ways.
Their home was one of the first places, after a rough beginning, that my heart felt at home. Safe. No one’s project. Just me, in all the craziness that was, and is me. They celebrated my marriage, the birth of my children, grandbaby, and my little accomplishments along the way. Never surprised about what I might achieve, somehow believing, it was somewhere inside of me to do.
So here I am again; at my writer’s desk, doing the only thing I know how to do. The prayers have now been quieted, and only tears remain,– they are not tears of sadness, for I know that this man lived a good life, he loved and was loved. He was a man of faith, and character, and compassion. Rather, the tears are of profound thankfulness, a reminder of the amazing people that God has lovingly placed into my life, whose connections took root deep inside of me. It’s their voices I hear in the stillness of the dark spots that remind me to pick myself up, dust myself off and move forward. It is their actions, who when the enemy want me to feel unwanted, unloved, or of no valued, flash before me and help me to recognize the truth.
I’ve tried over the years to tell people like this, how much they mean to me. I worry that I don’t tell them often enough. But, It is important to me that they know. That they understand that who they chose to be, mattered. It mattered in the moment, and it has mattered over time. It shaped me, and has sustained me.
I am glad that we can know, that we WILL see him again, someday. That all the memories, we have of his time here with us, have a home. A place where a life well lived, will be passed on, to the generations to come. I’m comforted in knowing that heaven has a new resident, and that he was ushered into heaven with the Father saying, “Well done they good and faithful servant.”
And, it is okay that I feel his absence. That, like many others my heart is broken. It’s okay that even the universe feels “off”… on days like today.