I am not sure, or really even know how, I got here. I don’t have a clue where my energy went, or even, truly how it left me, and I am discovering finding the way to get it back has been a bigger challenge then I would like it to be.
I hate that I have turned into “that” girl. “That” friend, who instead of shutting the place down, am quit content to let the “yung uns” handle it. Although, it is SO not the age factor. At 50 (and climbing), this weekend my girlfriends partied like it was 1999… and while, yes I AM old.. I remember 1999…. shoot, I can even remember 2009 and shutting the place down…
While I took in the weekend rather gingerly, I could still hear the inner me screaming, trying to get the old lady me’s attention. Her rebel screams, sounding a hearty “hell no, I won’t go,” as I drowned her out with ice tea, naps and Dramamine. And, even the parts of the weekend I did take in, It was as if I were on the outside looking in.. Nothing that anyone else had done, just me being content….. (is content the right word?) to just “be” like a drugged zombie. Stuck in my own little world of spinning and lights dancing from one optic nerve to another, an inner light show of spinning lights and circles.. a party for one.
Even I, find it hard to grasp, that this one time,” life of the party” is plain pooped out. This weekend was perfect proof. Surrounded by amazingly beautiful, fun, funny women, my age; some a bit younger, but all vibrant, vivacious, any one of them could be on the cover of any magazine.. and sorry, tired, ole me….
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not beating myself up. I know I didn’t choose this season I seem to have found myself in. Well not intentionally, that is for sure.. Although, I am more and more convinced that diet and the E word play a huge factor in where I find myself, and we can debate all day, which happened first; lack of energy or lack of movement…Chicken or the egg..
And, I am not down playing what I still bring to the table in my writing and photography. All I am saying, is that somehow, that playful side of me has been taken hostage by fatigue, and this non ending spinning.It just feels like all of it; my creativity, my gumption, my wit, it has all just got up and went.. It is as if Elvis has left the building, and I am left wondering if “he” is ever coming back.
If I had the energy, I would yet again mount my steed and conger up a motivating warrior’s cry- one that would promote massive change in my weight, my humor, my ability to party until the last call….. but instead, I just want a nap.
Where oh where did my energy go?