I have awaken daily, over the last 18 months, with a figurative finger in the air, waiting to see what “direction the wind is blowing.” Is it a “dizzy day?” Another day of spinning, illness, unfulfilled ambitions? I have spent countless days angry. Questioning. Whining. Like a toddler who has thrown themselves to the ground kicking and screaming while their parent patiently waits for them to exhaust themselves of themselves.
There in my exhaustion, tears, snot, I have come to a place where I literally have to ask God to take my hand, stabilize me, so that my feet can hit the floor. I find myself begging him to somehow use me in-spite of the limitations I am experiencing. Inviting him to weed out the things that can be placed on the back burner, reserving my energy for those things that he deems, “front-burner” worthy.
This morning was no different. Feeling funky and not even sure I had it in me to reach my hand out to meet God’s on the other side. Yet, I did. Through the tears now, there is a surrender. . . a new awareness that the old me, the me before the Meniers Disease, was perhaps more reckless with my gifts than this new version of me. Thankful that it is never to late to begin again… I am.
Forever those in my inner circle would remind me of the gifts, I knew what they were saying, but I guess I felt that I could tuck them away until I felt more worthy of them, or more secure in them, or grown up enough to “wear” them.. never dreaming, that I would encounter a day where fighting for the energy to even try to “unwrap” one, was a possibility.
It was easy to be wasteful – when living in a world of in plenty. I knew there was little I could not do, if I just wanted it. Surrounded by God’s perfect gifts, all my life; keenly aware of His presence at ever turn, yet wildly wasteful of all He created in me.
Today has been a battle. So much I want to do. Need to do. Long to do.. and yet fighting through the nausea and dizziness. I am not complaining, how could I?
It is my chore belief that God gifts ALL of us, with amazing and unique abilities and, it is our choice as to whether we boldly unwrap those gifts, and walk courageously into the life that He has designed for us. If we can dream it, we can achieve it. We cannot out dream God. It isn’t possible.
If my story can be a cautionary tale for others, I would say this. Our lives should not resemble a Norman Rockwell painting, where everything sets a scene, where on-lookers see all the beautifully, perfectly wrapped gifts of our lives resting lifelessly under the tree.. but rather, more like a disheveled room where boxes and paper and tossed about, their content already being worn and used, and celebrated. No more unwrapped gifts.