But….. I don’t wanna!

Have you ever felt like this horse, afraid to walk into the “new”?   Probably not. I am sure that I am the only one. 3118_1137163142769_4303517_n

Mostly I would say I am a pretty courageous person. I don’t mind new things. I often don’t mind scary things.  I “pride” myself in knowing that there is not much that I cannot handle. I have a knowing that the hardest part of anything is just walking through it. BUT, there are times…. there are specific things that I just fight.

For example; I do not like being vulnerable  I don’t like asking for help.. or even admitting that I need help. And, I don’t much like relying on others to help me do thing that I think I should be able to accomplish on my own… Why yes, I do often hear that bratty me saying, “I’ll do it myself.” After all; I am a self reliant, highly capable girl. And often, when I am right in the center of this kind of moment.. God steps in and challenges my thinking.

As it would happen, that is just the place God has me. And yesterday I looked just like this silly ole horse. Afraid to move forward on my own, kicking and screaming as God gently, but firmly held my tether while I bucked and farted and threw one fit after another. Through tears and snot, dug in heels and pinned back ears, I could hear myself cry out.. “this isn’t fair.. Why can’t I just do this my way, on my own, in my time???’… Lovingly He held me there until my fight with self  was gone and I surrendered , ready to moved me forward.

I have said often that I tend to be a 4 brick learner… meaning it usually takes me 4 big “Ah-ha’s” to actually move into something. I don’t say it as a point of pride, but rather an acknowledgement of my short comings. However; lately I have become increasingly aware that by saying it.. I have somehow giving myself permission to be it..

And, in truth that isn’t who I want to be. I want to be that girl who hears “God Whispers” and acts on them, knowing full well He is for me and will not ask anything that isn’t designed to me forward. I wouldn’t be in my current battle had I listened the first time, or the second time or even the third time. But, each time the whispers came, I knew it was going to cost something, something I wasn’t willing or ready to lay down.  I’m ready now.. but the cost is higher, the challenge greater, and the pain more un-ignorable.

My lesson yesterday was that it isn’t the task that is being asked of me that is difficult, rather; it is my lack of willingness to surrender to the process that makes the task difficult. There is a certain freedom that comes by being willing to walk through the thresh-holds of those things that I think I just don’t wanna….. I am learning that His plans for me are higher… and I only need to trust that there is a purpose for the asking of me, if for no other reason than for me learn to trust the whispers.