“Don’t settle for anything less, because God says you’re worth it.” Bob Goff
Much of 2020 was me white-knuckling my way through it. A lifetime of emotional running was met with a worldwide virus, shutting us all down on many levels. Nowhere to run. Days of sitting alone with my ghosts, not wanting to entertain them, but feeling the need to face them. Look them in the eyes and declare “I’m not afraid of you.” I have always been someone who tried to deal with things as they come. But, 2020 showed me that while I dealt with things enough to get by, so much of it was not buried. These silent journeys are hard. Perhaps harder for those of us who are awful about getting help. Or allowing others in deep enough to see those things.
Every part of me is a “pull yourself us by your bootstraps kind of a girl.” On a recent visit to Texas to see two of our grandbabies…. while working on a project with Kellie Rene, I heard her say, “Granny I want to do it myself.” At the time I smiled and backed away. I get it.. But, on our drive home, staring out of the window I found her words hit me again.. and I wondered, in all of the moments during this year when I felt God so distant, was he just honoring my cries of, “I’ll do it myself.”
I have had moments in my life where depression was a thing… not many, and probably not severe enough to even consider them depression. But this year was different for me. It was a struggle… I felt every day I was swatting at it trying to keep it at bay and to not be consumed by it. My two drugs of choice were no longer working for me; emotional running, and eating.
I found myself mad at God. While I knew there was so much in my life to be grateful for, and I am grateful… I was also MAD. So many things that I just do not understand. Pain, Loss, trying to do all the “right things” only to see them not take hold. watching those we love struggle with the limitations of this stupid virus and feeling so helpless to do anything.
I remember the day a friend posted a meme on FB that got my attention. I printed it out ….. it simply reminded me that while everything looks out of control, behind the scenes in a God who has not relinquished his authority. (A.W. Towzer). I do not know why such a simple meme, spoke to my heart as if they were arithmetic paddles being held to my chest to shock me back to life… but, there it was.
Months before, my dad had gifted me a book, “Dream Big” by Bob Goff.. truthfully it sat on my shelf collecting dust. Even though I am a huge Bob Goff fan… I admire him as both a reader and a writer… I was to……. pissed, tired, to pick it up. Until this week of course.
With my ghosts addressed, and finding comfort in just slowing down and learning to be present… I felt braver…. bolder.. more prepared to begin again. Perhaps more cautiously, more guarded…. but also more willing to ask for HIS help as I repaint my story.
I plan on keeping a weekly journal as I go through this book and its association with PODCASTS and Workbook. Feel free to follow along or join in. 2021 is here… we might as well grab it by its horns.
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