I love summer rains.I love how the seemingly sweep in- out of nowhere- to take summer hostage, clearing the air of the stagnation and highlighting the smells and colors of the season, quenching the gardens and lawns as it works its way through the valley. Awww spendor.
I have noticed lately that the summer storms of life can be just as refreshing. You know that thing that creeps in from nowhere to get your attention as you “jet” through life as if your days are limitless, purpose is self assigned and “good weather” will always prevail.
I have recently experienced one such summer rain, a mini respite.. if you are like me you find yourself out dancing in it or wading through the puddles in a happy glee.
I find that I was jetting through my life, my spiritual life, as if wandering in a desert waiting for something to change. I am not much of a joiner or follower or……. okay, I am a loner, and I like it that way. Don’t get me wrong I have amazing friends, family, people in my life, and I need them, I am especially blessed with friends who give me the room I need to be me, they are amazingly special to me, choosing the right ones is something that has taken years to perfect. And when mixing my personality, some events over the last couple of years, and aging, I have become even more of a loner I am afraid.
There is a huge difference from being a loner and being lonely. Rarely am I lonely, and I am not a hostage to my being a lone, meaning I am not afraid to go and do anything by myself. Some people are. I have a friend who wont go to a restaurant and eat by herself…which of course I think is charming and funny. Truly, if you are hungry…. eat.. you shouldn’t need “homies” to make that happen. But, I have learned that not everyone has all the “built in” companions dancing in their heads that I tend to, so truly I am never alone… but I digress.
My relationship with God has suffered lately, not that I have loved him less or that I have felt his love for me less…. I had just got into a funk. Disappointed by things that were going on, pained by the pain I felt the “we” were causing for people that I loved and cherished, frustrated by the “clickiness” that I was seeing.. you know typical “family” stuff, stuff that sometimes makes you want to just pull back for a moment and take a little “break” from it all. Horrified by the things that we do in “God’s name” as if THAT justifies our choices and actions, not wanting to be associated with it in any way….and all to often when I don’t really understand something I tend to go inward, and stay there until….. well…. until it rains – a trait I learned early in life.
Faith is an interesting thing…. a living breathing thing. Like all relationships it has it’s highs and its lows, it deserts, valleys and mountain top experiences, and how would I ever be able to dance in the rain, if I hadn’t experienced the dryness of the desert floor?
I wrestle with questions like, where is my place in the world and in the church and in the faith as I don’t always see eye to eye with those in leadership, although I know that God has placed them there, and structured religion has been something that I struggle with, knowing full well that there is a HUGE difference between faith and religion, something that I think all to often we forget. Certainly I lost sight of that during my recent tour of the desert.
But, like every other storm in my life…. out of nowhere comes the rains, washing away all the staleness and stagnate air. Shifting me from a desert dweller to the plush valley of his grace.
So I say, let it rain…………let it wash away all that needs to be rinsed away and leaving a fresh new day!